Just Musings on Discerning, Judgmental, Empathy, Caregiving, Acceptance, Belong, Fairness

so many who love & care for robin williams are saddened & devastated by his apparent suicide. as his wife susan schneider said, “…the world lost one of its most beloved artists and beautiful human beings”.

i have mused, verbalised, spoken aloud in my posts under PERSPECTIVES for my own entertainment, freedom of expression (haha…yes..at least for myself, i need a forum to verbalise my own thoughts & feelings), and for continued health & sanity. lol. 🙂

i have talked about negative thoughts, negative emotions, negative energy in my blog posts – Grateful for What We Have, & Happy to Give & Receive.


a person can be discerning w/o being judgemental? knowing but NOT judging?

NOT passing comments & NOT judging is NOT the same as NOT having a view, an opinion?

i don’t agree with you. i don’t think the same way as you. i don’t feel the same way as you. but i am not judging you. i am not saying you are wrong. and you have the right to think what you think feel what you feel even though i don’t, and don’t agree. 🙂

of course there are many situations where this doesn’t apply – like the guy is a murderer. 😦


a person can be more than non judgmental  but even have empathy?

what about say in CAREGIVING for a person in distress?

i think you are wrong. i think your interpretations of the situation is wrong. i think you are mistaken, you misunderstood, you are messed up or even you are totally screwed up & have gone bonkers! BUT because you are a fellow human being, you are a friend or sometimes because i care for you & want the best for you & want you to be happy, i can empathise with you and show you my empathy & my concern & if i can, then make you happy – even if i think you are all & totally wrong & screwed up. 🙂

and of course, often any person who has a problem – unhappy, angry, distressed, depressed – is not totally wrong. maybe you disagree 10%, 50%, 90%.

& of course good counsellors & caregivers know that the first step about care & empathy is not demonstrated by emphasising on disagreements but by showing the person your support & concern & that you are there for him. the immediate need of a person in distress is never a discussion, deliberation, analysis of the subject matter, but just simply the need to be COMFORTED & to feel ACCEPTANCE. once comfort & relieve & acceptance are given, maybe the person is ready to discuss the subject matter?

i am NOT trained in caregiving, but those are my 2 cents worth anyway. haha. 🙂


sometimes we meet people who to us (may not be to others) are kind of not our cup of tea. maybe we think they are nasty, loud, exasperating, ostentatious, egoistic, selfish, exploitative, in-the-face or one-upish, whatever. to us they maybe. yet often these people have their own group of close friends & people who love & treasure them & enjoy their company. basically everyone have their pluses & minuses, and if you are close to them, you see & treasure their pluses and ACCEPT their minuses. you are NOT undiscerning or uncritical of their faults and not just tolerant, but you ACCEPT them & love them with all their faults. 🙂

& i guess everyone need (most need anyway) ACCEPTANCE by people close to them. if people around them are always questioning them, critical, disagreeing & pointing out their faults, not nurturing and do not reassure them of their virtues, appreciate them for what they are, be there & shows solidarity in distress, then the person will feel he does not BELONG. those are also my views & value system on friendship, on parenting, on family.


One problem I can see with ACCEPTANCE is FAIRNESS.

there was a youtube video about capuchin monkeys & their reactions to unfair treatment. 🙂

so the monkey was perfectly fine with a piece of cucumber. but when a fellow monkey was given a grape (the preferred food of capuchin monkeys…haha), then the first monkey reacted “violently”. so it was NOT about the cucumber (or the intrinsic value of the reward or recognition) but about FAIRNESS.

so we accept a person. he is like that! he is my/our friend, even if he is nasty, loud, exasperating etc etc. and that is a good thing! 🙂 BUT if another person is NOT nasty, loud etc etc (he would have his other faults), is generous & accommodative for the most time, and he may one day or for one instance decide not to be accommodative, then people are not used to it. then he does not get ACCEPTANCE. the UNFAIRNESS arises because someone who is regularly nasty, loud, exasperating is ACCEPTED because “he is like that”, but the other person who is usually accommodative is NOT permitted to be “he is like that!”.

well, i guess life is never fair. 🙂

c.h.e.f andy